i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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