Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
