There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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