you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
