Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
