Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
In America we eat man semen.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
