I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
