I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
