I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
