new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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