just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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