My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
