i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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