I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
