Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
