highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
