Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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