I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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