Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
