just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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