She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
