i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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