Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize