A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
