Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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