respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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