she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
