Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
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