I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
