I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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