sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize