I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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