I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
a search helicopter?!
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
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