She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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