Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
