I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
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