She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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