Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
