she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
