I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
