I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
