Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
