Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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