Pants 0. Shit 1.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
