and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
you win again, gameday.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize