i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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