Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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