Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
