she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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