Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
