There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
