he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
