to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
