I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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